Monday, July 30, 2012

is it too late?

I can't keep going on at this weight.

But I feel trapped in what I'm eating.  I feel so trapped in a lot of things.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Been binging. :(  I need to ban myself from getting junky food. It'd help if others didn't pitch in to help me get it. D:

Allergies are sooooooo bad. My nose itches nonstop. Figured out how to work the neti pot better but it only helped for a minute this time. I'll try it again in the morning now that I'm better at it.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Saturday, June 9, 2012

No more itchy nose!

Mmmm I have no idea how much calories I took in today.  I had a cereal bar for breakfast again, and a drink. I got subway for lunch, and a tea and some beef jerky for a snack at work, then I ate BBQ chicken and a pasta salad for dinner, and roasted probably 3 marshmallows for a fun desert with my neighbors. So I probably had way too many calories, but today I kind of don't care...

Warning: Now I talk about noses and nose-fluids.

This isn't what mine looks like, but isn't that lovely? Hard to imagine it's for your nose.

I bought a neti pot at the store today. lol. I'd never heard of such a thing until yesterday when I mentioned washing my nose because it was so itchy, and someone asked if I meant I'd used a neti pot.  It's like a watering can/tea kettle sort of thing, but the spout goes in one nostril to pour in water, you tilt your head sideways and the water will run through your sinuses and out the other nostril.  Yeah, I know, ew, because boogers and also because isn't that just weird? And yeah, it's weird, but let me tell you it's freaking awesome.

If you're considering getting one, but are a little unsure, I recommend that you try it. I get terrible ear infections, so all those passages in my head are weird, and trust me I'm super skittish about water going up my nose or in my ears or what have you, to the point where I'm nearly phobic of swimming now. But in all seriousness, it's really just straightforward and simple and it made my damn nose stop itching and actually cleared up both nostrils to boot!!!

This one is mine. Brand: SinuSense. Available at Walmart next to the nasal spray.

It's weird mostly because you can feel the water go in your nose, and it's a little cool (temperature-wise) and for me it keeps somehow coming out into the back of my mouth, so I can feel the cool water on the roof of my mouth and that's also weird. If I manage to tilt my head the right way, the water finishes the trip around and comes out the other side, which is pretty COOL as in neat. I don't know if it's because my neti pot has a slow drip, or if my sinuses are bad, but if you google it you'll see people with a solid stream of water coming out, and I haven't gotten that yet. But even so, it's a freaking relief from the itch-itch-itching, even if I have to do it again a few hours later. It really helps if my meds don't work so great. And it's supposed to help clear things up when you get a cold, etc, so that'll be awesome, don'tcha think?!

One other thing I was worried about was would I feel like I was drowning, or would I inhale the water?  It is a little weird, but I totally was not close to accidentally inhaling the water (at least not yet, but I was pretty bad at my technique). The weird part for me was feeling the water go over the top of my mouth and down the back, but it's no different than when you get that yucky runny nose and you sniffle and the mucus goes into your mouth. Ew, yeah, but you can spit it out, or even swallow it, but you won't drown.

So my fears are put to rest. I just need to make sure that I figure out how to get a better flow going, experiment with how I hold my head and stuff. I'm probably using it wrong or something, cause I google image search for those neti pot images, and see people with freaking rivers pouring out their noses and I'm kind of jealous in the weirdest way. LOL.

Posessive eating

Just finished a late-night tracking of my food intake for Friday. I think I'm in the clear for it. My weight is a bit up right now though. Gonna wait a little longer before I record it.

One problem is that I get sort of territorial about food, like a dog with its bone. I need to somehow learn to let go of that. Sometimes I don't want the food really, I just want to HAVE it.

So when I start thinking I want food, I might try taking it out... Cans from the cupboard, fruit, boxes of things, bread, etc, and just laying it all out. And then put it away. Might sound crazy, but I've done it before. I've taken bread, got 4 pieces ready to make a couple sandwiches, got the peanut butter... and then just put everything away. So maybe I could try laying these things out and telling myself, 'see all the things you have? You have so much, you don't need to worry.'

It helps to get out of the house. Tomorrow I work, so I'll be away from the food, and I'll probably sweat out two pounds. The trouble there is it's my standard 12 to 5 shift and I get so hungry after that. I might pig out on dinner.

Good day, I think, June 8th

It was surprisingly hard to find a really pretty picture of people walking. But this picture is REALLY pretty, so it's worth it.

ooOIndreOoo @ deviantart
I chased a little 3 year old all around the parking lot today to keep an eye on her. She's adorable, but a handful. I watched my neighbors get into a fight. One of them is an alcoholic who gets drunk and gets behind the wheel. He deserved whatever he got, which wasn't much - the drunk swung first and the other guy mostly held him down. The police never showed up, 'cause that's where I live. Nobody got hurt, anyway.

My friend came over to visit. We brought up the idea of moving in to an apartment together and splitting the rent. I'm still nervous... about LIFE. I'm so afraid about everything. And the rain came, with lots of thunder. It didn't stay long, though.

I had a couple cereal bars for breakfast, and lots of flavored water. I woke up late, so that was more around noon time. For dinner I had a small pepperoni pizza. Really nervous about how many calories that was. Then I slept for like 6 hours because I was tired, and now it's midnight and I'm awake again. Haha. I like being able to keep odd hours. I nibbled on some pinches of sunflower seeds, and I've got a nectarine beside me that is so ripe it starts smooshing when I try to hold it in my hand. I was tempted to crack open a soda, but I made another flavored water instead. I will endeavor to only have more fruit if I feel hungry, and perhaps drink some tea in a bit. Or the coffee I forgot all about until just this second.

P.S. My nose itches so bad from allergies! My eyes, too. It's really, really annoying.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Big oops.

I forgot how much snacking can add up. It's especially bad because I did that grocery shopping. I'm ashamed to list everything I ate. I was using the Lose It! app to count my calories and I'm already almost 1,000 calories over and I haven't finished entering everything yet. Gah! To think I'd prided myself because I ate apples and seeds instead of chocolate. Some difference it made!

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to eat a cereal bar for breakfast, with a glass of chocolate milk. For lunch I'll only touch my fruit. Dinner is a family thing, so it's harder to predict or control. I'm going to track everything and put a mark on my calendar either good or bad. And I'll track my weight twice a week - I love seeing the number go down.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

picspam #003

Did I mention I'm allergic to kiwis? They look delicious, but they'll have to remain a happy memory for me. The last ones I ate tasted like horrible agony. Pretty, though. I can have kiwi-flavored stuff, but not the fresh fruit.

Ben-Kelevra @ deviantart


I went to the store and bought $30 worth of food!

Sunflower seeds, cereal bars, McIntosh apples, 2 nectarines, 2 peaches, 2 lbs of cherries, green tea, beef jerky, saltines, hummus

I love adding pics to my posts now.

Fairest of them all
Little Thoughts @ flickr

picspam #002

Apple Juice Splash
donchris @ flickr

Fabulous Blue Kiwi Drink and Flower
Pink Sherbet Photography @ flickr

june 7th breakfast

Having a sad breakfast of oatmeal. It's not particularly tasty today.

My dinner tonight is a steak and vegetables. Trying to keep it simple. Not sure about the calorie count today, but it should be decent.  I need to get to the store and buy lots and lots of delicious fruits.

Restarting my weight tracking. Apparently after all this time, I've managed to keep myself from going over 270 lbs. I'm pretty proud of that. But it's time to bring it back down.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

pic spam #001

yellowflys @ deviantart

Pink Lemonade
kellylovescupcakes @ flickr

mesha3el @ deviantart

Can Do - Rules and Guidelines to Remember

Mental Rules

1. My mantra is "Can do!"
2. Everything is simple.
3. If something isn't simple, make it simple.  If you can't make it simple, it's either a legit huge crisis or you need to just drop-kick it out of your life
4. Don't stress.
5. Don't put yourself down.
6. You are not allowed to date until your hair is long enough to touch your shoulders.
7. Don't even think about dating. If a girl likes you, tell her you're grounded.
8. Be selfish. Indulge in good things for yourself.
9. Stop thinking "I can't do that." Everything is simple.
10. Every rule is important.

More technical guidelines

- Buy fruit and veggies at least every other week.
- Weigh yourself only once a week.
- Keep track of your good days on the calendar - that's what it's there for!
- Junk food is not a reward for good dieting. Buy yourself something pretty.
- Let yourself eat as many freaking fruits as you want. It's seriously OK, we can get more later, and if you aren't overeating on the fruits, you're going to be overeating on something grosser. Eat the damn fruit.
- It's not too much effort to get the fruit or veggies prepared. We've considered jumping through more hoops to make crappy meals. Eat the goddamn fruit.
- Eat the damn fruit.
- Water is good. Flavored water is tasty. Either way, hydrate.
- No chips. Try carrots and ranch.
- Want chocolate? Drink some chocolate milk. You know you don't get enough calcium.
- Vitamins aren't a shelf decoration, sweetness.
- Like a food? Write it down so we can remember to buy it again.
- Don't forget that spices exist in the cupboard. Flavor is helpful.
- If you don't do this now, you're going to get diabetes or some shit. That'll be worse.
- You look good. You look better each time you lose a little more fat.
- We look weird skinny. Don't go that far.

Why I am

I've slacked. A lot.  I think I was in denial. Probably still am.

This is going to sound horrible, but I think my primary motivation for wanting to lose weight is sex. I'm young, I'm a virgin, and I'm getting fidgety. I was hoping that someone would somehow want me anyway.  But I've managed to meet a few girls now, and after the first date or so, they turn tail and run.  Part of me is so, so tired of being ashamed of my body. I'm not model pretty. I don't even have all my teeth, and that's really devastating for me.  But being this overweight is the final nail in the coffin, I think.

I know I should be all PC and positive body image, women come in all shapes and sizes, etc etc. I see larger women and so many of them are seriously freaking gorgeous. The trouble is when I look at myself. All I see is this mass of swollen, flabby skin. I feel bloated and ugly and utterly unsexy.  I don't even want to be model skinny.  Losing 100 pounds for me still puts me in the 'overweight' category. How sad is that?  But I took how I used to look for granted. I wish I could love myself like this, but I feel disgusted. I need to change it. I know how, I just need to stop screwing around and take the real steps to do it.

I must sound like a broken record: 'I'll do it now. I'll do it now. I'm really gonna do it this time!'  The trouble is, I get motivated, and then my depression or laziness kicks in. I just want to sleep and avoid mirrors. I look up articles, but still feel hopeless to even get out of my chair and go do something, and it's really THAT simple.

There are several big troubles for my mindset.

1. I think it's easier to not look at myself, and try to feel comfortable with my laziness.
Why this is wrong: I may not have to look at myself, but my body keeps getting bigger. I can feel it. I can see my big arms and thighs and belly without looking in a mirror. I feel disgusted with myself when I sit in this hot weather and I can feel myself sweating between rolls of fat. It's NOT comfortable.

2. I feel like it's wrong to buy fruits and veggies because they are pricier. Junk food is cheap.
Why this is wrong: I have a damn job now, and I have the money to afford it even if this is true.  Real fruits are delicious and amazing and I need to stop thinking that they are rare treats like ice cream that I'm not allowed to have. I AM ALLOWED TO EAT ALL THE FRUITS AND VEGGIES I WANT, BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I really, really need to drill this into my head.

3. If I change my diet, I'll have to eat gross food or next to nothing in portions.
Why this is wrong: I might try to change my diet completely, but it's not gross foods, it's just different foods I don't normally get the opportunity to eat. For whatever reason, it's ingrained in me to buy junky food when I could be getting food that's super satisfying and tasty, but healthier.  If I find low-cal foods, I can eat just as much as I do now ( or hopefully less, because I really overeat) and feel full.  I tend to forget the variety of food that I really enjoy. I keep forgetting that salad is pretty tasty, and a crunchy carrot is really satisfying.

4. Even if I do change my diet, I won't see any results.
Why this is wrong: I will! I really will see results!  I was seeing results earlier in this journal, and all I did was keep an eye on how much I was eating.  I already overeat. If I manage to control myself just a bit, I can cut a lot of calories. If I find awesome low-cal food, I'll be cutting even more calories. I won't even have to make an effort to exercise just yet, because fixing my calorie intake alone will get me quite far in itself.  I might even FEEL better because with real foods I might finally get missing vitamins.

I need to reprogram my brain, clearly. I still feel a ton of guilt about wanting to go to the store and buy veggies. I've been repeatedly taught that they're too expensive to get. But fuck, I'm an adult and I have my own spending money to buy what I want. Maybe if I bring home bags of fruits and veggies, I'll finally feel like I bought something worthwhile. Then I just need to teach myself that it's okay to pig out on the FRUIT.

P.S. I might be allergic/intolerant to fruit. We'll find out when I start buying them en masse.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Back for good, I hope

On the plus side - (no pun intended)  - at least I'm only 2 pounds above my starting weight after all this time. So I'm not blowing up badly.  I've also been eating whatever I damn well wanted. Heh.  So maybe with just a bit of cutting down (and there's a lot of room to cut down!) I could lose a lot of weight. And then with exercise, I could lose a lot more.

I'm really tired of feeling like a big, bloated body. I really am. It's just extra fun to have depression on top and really not want to go outside and do anything even if I should. I'm also afraid that perhaps my depression is getting a little worse at the moment. My paranoia and irritability has been going up.

Anyway, I just finished breakfast and I'm going in to work for an early shift. x_x

Cereal - 200 cals
Bowl of fruit - 80 cals
Energy shot - 0 cals

Total: 300 cals

Yes, yes, I'm still rounding up.

Monday, February 20, 2012

It's been a couple days...

... and instead of dieting, I've been binging.  I have all of this overly delicious food in the house right now.  My reasoning seems to be that if I can eat it all quickly, I'll finally run out of these distractions and will be able to start my diet up.  Instead, I'm just feeling bloated, and I'm back to square one. Blegh.

I'm currently listing foods that I should be eating. It's weird because I have fruit and stuff but I feel like I'm not allowed to eat it.

Working on meticulously planning a diet and exercise.

Friday, February 17, 2012


So I've made a few lists of what to do. I plan to cut my calories again, and this time I'll make a little book of meals I can eat that are low-calorie.

I'm also making a list of junky foods that are my weakness, hereafter referred to as forbidden.

-1,500 calorie allowance per day.  Excess calories must be worked off.
-Only drinks allowed after 5pm
-No soda, coffee to a min

Set up a daily scoreboard for calorie goals. (Probably a calendar)

Not tracking at all = black mark (-300 points)
Over 1,700 cals = red star (-200 points)
Under 1,500 cals = blue star (50 points)
Under 1,400 cals = green star (100 points)
Under 1,300 cals = silver star (200 points)
Under 1,200 cals = gold star (300 points)

Extra blue star per ten mins of exercise

Every 1,000 5,000 and 10,000 points, a reward will be given. :)

Daily exercise will start with taking the dog for a walk twice a day - after breakfast and after dinner, if possible, or a session on the elliptical.  Also found a gym nearby, need to make plans for that as well on my days off work. Having an irregular work schedule makes it hard to plan these things more fully.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Back on the bull

Well, I've at least been able to stay in the same area. I just realized how dangerously close I am to being too far gone. Maybe already too late for me there.  I need to make this work, no matter what it takes.

I may need to go to the extent of laboriously planning out my meals ahead of time so I can control what I eat.

I was ignoring it at first, and now I'm even surrounding myself with junk food... Stop, stop, stop. :(

Friday, January 20, 2012

Daily Plan for January 20th

REMEMBER TO:  keep tracking, stay on course, and give yourself permission to eat or not eat.

Stay at 1,500 calories or UNDER
Work on website.
Bedtime routine.
Go to sleep before midnight.

Coffee --------------160 cals
Oatmeal ------------260 cals
Blueberries -----------60 cals

Subtotal ------------480 cals

Tuna Helper -------- 400 cals
Sobe ----------------300 cals
Subtotal ------------ 700 cals

Subtotal ------------

Total ---------------

Weight: 256.4  ------ Difference from yesterday: +1.4
Total cals: TBA ---- Difference from goal: TBA

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Daily Plan for Jan 19th

Another day was messed by my bizarre sleep schedule. Anyhow.

REMEMBER TO:  keep tracking, stay on course, and give yourself permission to eat or not eat.

Stay at 1,500 calories or UNDER
Say "Yes" is called in to work
Have a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Do bedtime routine
Go to sleep before midnight

Coffee --------------160 cals
Sparkling water --------0 cals
Cereal --------------150 cals

Subtotal ------------310 cals

Tuna Helper -------- 400 cals
Subtotal ------------ 400 cals

Chicken ------------300 cals
Biscuits -------------540 cals
Subtotal ------------840 cals

Total ---------------1550 cals

Weight: 255.0  ------ Difference from yesterday: +2.8
Total cals: 1550 ---- Difference from goal: 50 over

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Daily Plan for Jan 17th

Message for today: Keeping track keeps me on track. Remember to update blog posts frequently.

Stay close to 1,500 cals or UNDER.
Hop on elliptical.
Do bedtime routine, including shower.
Go to sleep before midnight!

Cereal -------------------120 cals
York Peppermint Patty ----50 cals
Subtotal ------------------170cals

Chili ---------------------300 cals
Sandwiches ------------- 400 cals
Subtotal -----------------700 cals

Steak --------------------300 cals
Rice ---------------------120 cals
Green beans --------------30 cals

Subtotal------------------450 cals
TOTAL ----------------1320 cals

Weight: 252.2 ---- Difference from yesterday: -2.2
Total cals: 1320  ---- Difference from goal: 180 cals
 * = estimating quite roughly

Monday, January 16, 2012

Daily Plan for Jan 16th

Message for today: Keeping track keeps me on track. Remember to update blog posts frequently.

Stay close to 1,500 cals or UNDER.
Say "Yes" if called in to work.
Hop on elliptical.
Do bedtime routine, including shower.
Go to sleep before midnight!

Oatmeal ------------------- 230 cals
Blueberries ------------------30 cals
Coffee ------------------------0 cals?
Sugar 3 TBS & 1/2 tps ---- 154 cals

Subtotal ------------------- 414 cals
Note: 3 TBS is exactly the right amount for a full cup of coffee. Can try cutting it down over time.

Cheesy Skillets -------------300 cals ish
Note: EW okay never eating fake cheese stuff again. This is definitely what makes me sick to my stomch. STOP EATING IT. D:

Subtotal ------------------- 300 cals

Coffee w 3TBS of Sugar ---------154 cals
Hersheys Cookies n Cream --------80 cals
Chili ------------------------------300 cals
Cereal ----------------------------120 cals

Subtotal---------------------------654 cals

TOTAL --------------------------1368 cals

Weight: 254.4 ---- Difference from yesterday: 0
Total cals: 1368  ---- Difference from goal: 132 to spare
 * = estimating quite roughly

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Daily Plan for Jan 15th - Low cal success!

Sorry I missed a day. I stayed up until 5am and then accidentally slept until 5pm, and it messed me up. I think I probably ate badly, too, because I didn't keep track of things.

Message for today: Remember that it's okay to eat only a little of something, or to not eat it at all. You have food. You will not run out. If you want something in the future, you will be able to get it.

Stay close to 1,500 cals or UNDER.
Have a good day at work.
Hop on elliptical.
Do bedtime routine, including shower.
Go to sleep before midnight!

Coffee --------------------150 cals*
Cereal --------------------180 cals
Subtotal -------------------330 cals

Rice lunch -----------------200 cals*
Sparkling water --------------0 cals
Subtotal -------------------200 cals

Pizza snack --------------- 300 cals

TOTAL -------------------830 cals (wow)

Weight: 254.4 ---- Difference from yesterday: -2.8
Total cals: 830 cals ---- Difference from goal: 670 cals to use (wow)
 * = estimating quite roughly

Wow, such low cals for today. It's because I actually ended up skipping dinner and going to bed, and then ended up sleeping all night long. Lol. I still plan to get some leftovers from dinner for today.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Daily Plan Jan 13th - Success!

Message for today: Remember to have confidence in yourself. It is okay to ignore what other people say, even though they don't mean to hurt you.

Stay close to 1,500 cals or UNDER.
Hop on elliptical for at least two songs.
Pack a low-cal lunch.
Have a good day at work.

Coffee --------------------200 cals
(how about I start actually measuring how much sugar I put in?)
Cereal --------------------180 cals
Vitamins ---------------------0 cals
Subtotal -------------------380 cals

Rice lunch -----------------300 cals
Sparkling water --------------0 cals
Subtotal -------------------300 cals

Chili! :D -------------------400 cals? No idea!

Weight: 257.2  ---- Difference from yesterday: +0.8
Total cals: 1080 ---- Difference from goal: 420 to spare!

I don't know how accurate my calorie count is... I tried to really estimate ABOVE, however, so hopefully if it's inaccurate, it's because it's less than I think?  Yes, I need to start being more accurate even if it means physically measuring my portions. lol  However, I am going to consider this day A GREAT SUCCESS!  AWESOME WORK, DAE.  THIS IS PROOF THAT YOU CAN MEET YOUR GOALS.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Daily Plan Jan 12th


We need a format.  Here it comes.

-Goals (cal target, plus others, to be checked off)
-Meal reports (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, with cals listed)
-Final stats report with weight for the day, as of morning, total cals, and the difference between goals and prev weight.

Stay close to 1,500 cals or UNDER.
Eat something real and healthy.
Hop on elliptical for 30 mins.
Sit down and chart out a daily health routine.
Change grocery list for healthier meals (ice cream is SO not gonna stay on the list, buddy.)

York peppermint patty --------- 50 cal
Hershey Cookies n Cream ------80 cal
Cap n' crunch -----------------300 cal *
Coffee with too much sugar ----250 cal *

Subtotal -----------------------680 cal *

Concotion of rice + tomatoes + carrots ---- 565 cal
Sparkling water -------------------------------0 cal

Subtotal -----------------------------------565 cal

Chicken -----------------------------------230 cal
Rice mix (above) --------------------------200 cal
Green beans --------------------------------20 cal

Subtotal -----------------------------------450 cal

Weight: 256.6  ---- Difference from yesterday: N/A
Total cals: 1695 ---- Difference from goal: 195 over

*Note: Calorie Goal is set a little too low naturally, and cal estimates of meals are set too high. For instance, I would have eaten 300 cals of cereal if I had actually eaten the whole bowl. If I overestimate my cals, I figure that I'll be able to shave them off even if I "go over" my calorie goal for the day.


I need to check in again.

The whole point of this blog was to face this head on, not avoid it. And I'm pulling the avoiding act again.

Strangely enough, my appetite has sort of evaporated. Though, I'm not losing any weight through it. I need to start monitoring my intake again, and keeping track. Sorry, but this blog will probably get boring with stat posts from me, meals and cals. I need that raw data.