This is going to sound horrible, but I think my primary motivation for wanting to lose weight is sex. I'm young, I'm a virgin, and I'm getting fidgety. I was hoping that someone would somehow want me anyway. But I've managed to meet a few girls now, and after the first date or so, they turn tail and run. Part of me is so, so tired of being ashamed of my body. I'm not model pretty. I don't even have all my teeth, and that's really devastating for me. But being this overweight is the final nail in the coffin, I think.
I know I should be all PC and positive body image, women come in all shapes and sizes, etc etc. I see larger women and so many of them are seriously freaking gorgeous. The trouble is when I look at myself. All I see is this mass of swollen, flabby skin. I feel bloated and ugly and utterly unsexy. I don't even want to be model skinny. Losing 100 pounds for me still puts me in the 'overweight' category. How sad is that? But I took how I used to look for granted. I wish I could love myself like this, but I feel disgusted. I need to change it. I know how, I just need to stop screwing around and take the real steps to do it.
I must sound like a broken record: 'I'll do it now. I'll do it now. I'm really gonna do it this time!' The trouble is, I get motivated, and then my depression or laziness kicks in. I just want to sleep and avoid mirrors. I look up articles, but still feel hopeless to even get out of my chair and go do something, and it's really THAT simple.
There are several big troubles for my mindset.
1. I think it's easier to not look at myself, and try to feel comfortable with my laziness.
Why this is wrong: I may not have to look at myself, but my body keeps getting bigger. I can feel it. I can see my big arms and thighs and belly without looking in a mirror. I feel disgusted with myself when I sit in this hot weather and I can feel myself sweating between rolls of fat. It's NOT comfortable.
2. I feel like it's wrong to buy fruits and veggies because they are pricier. Junk food is cheap.
Why this is wrong: I have a damn job now, and I have the money to afford it even if this is true. Real fruits are delicious and amazing and I need to stop thinking that they are rare treats like ice cream that I'm not allowed to have. I AM ALLOWED TO EAT ALL THE FRUITS AND VEGGIES I WANT, BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I really, really need to drill this into my head.
3. If I change my diet, I'll have to eat gross food or next to nothing in portions.
Why this is wrong: I might try to change my diet completely, but it's not gross foods, it's just different foods I don't normally get the opportunity to eat. For whatever reason, it's ingrained in me to buy junky food when I could be getting food that's super satisfying and tasty, but healthier. If I find low-cal foods, I can eat just as much as I do now ( or hopefully less, because I really overeat) and feel full. I tend to forget the variety of food that I really enjoy. I keep forgetting that salad is pretty tasty, and a crunchy carrot is really satisfying.
4. Even if I do change my diet, I won't see any results.
Why this is wrong: I will! I really will see results! I was seeing results earlier in this journal, and all I did was keep an eye on how much I was eating. I already overeat. If I manage to control myself just a bit, I can cut a lot of calories. If I find awesome low-cal food, I'll be cutting even more calories. I won't even have to make an effort to exercise just yet, because fixing my calorie intake alone will get me quite far in itself. I might even FEEL better because with real foods I might finally get missing vitamins.
I need to reprogram my brain, clearly. I still feel a ton of guilt about wanting to go to the store and buy veggies. I've been repeatedly taught that they're too expensive to get. But fuck, I'm an adult and I have my own spending money to buy what I want. Maybe if I bring home bags of fruits and veggies, I'll finally feel like I bought something worthwhile. Then I just need to teach myself that it's okay to pig out on the FRUIT.
P.S. I might be allergic/intolerant to fruit. We'll find out when I start buying them en masse.
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