Monday, November 28, 2011

Slipping a bit

Dieting is a tricky thing, let me tell you. It's easy to count calories, but it's harder to keep track of sodium, sugar, carbs, proteins, etc, all at the same time and make sure you stay within daily limits. (I don't think I even know what my daily limits for those things are until I exceed them. Must learn how to keep an eye on these things.)

I must admit, I've been sloppy lately. I will sometimes track half of what I've eaten for the day, and not every item of food. I've also had a couple times where I eat what I really shouldn't. Not really an actual binge, but bad enough, such as an excessive amount of potato chips in one day.

Today I loaded up on a big breakfast, trying to make sure that I could make it through my work shift on 4 hours of sleep. I don't run well on little sleep, so I made sure to look up foods that would give me energy. I had coffee, orange juice, oatmeal, and an orange. I even planned on having yogurt, but I was actually full by then. It's weird for me to be full and go without food for a while... it makes me a little nervous, which is part of the problem.

I still need to make a proper exercise regiment. I have yet to do more with my elliptical machine than fiddle around with it here and there. I heard that the recommended amount of exercise is 30 minutes 5 days a week. That'd definitely be a step up from my current amount of exercise.

Right now I'm hovering at 258 pounds. If I tighten up my eating and compulsive snacking, and get moving a little more, I know I can keep losing weight. Just reminding/allowing myself to snack on apples and oranges should be a big help. I need to remember that when it comes to fruit, it's okay to indulge. It's better to have two apples than one apple and a bag of chips, right?

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Happy Holidays everyone! It's been a little while since I updated. I'd like to officially announce that I've reached the 250+ range, with a weight coming in consistently under 260. This means - you guessed it - a new tag.

I spent Thanksgiving at my dad's house with the rest of his side of the family. I arrived a couple days early to avoid a snowstorm. I woke up after the first night to a foot of snow!

It wasn't easy being there. There's nothing to eat there whatsoever, or even if there is I don't feel like I can have it because 1. I've been away for so long, I feel like a stranger. 2. The food is often left out to spoil, or forgotten for too long. It's really gross.

I was lucky this time, because I actually had a bed to sleep on, with sheets and everything. Lucky I brought my own pillow and comforter. There was also toilet paper in the (disgusting) bathroom. No hot water, though.

Worse than the state of the house, though, was realizing a few things about my family. Even though I love my dad, I realized that he will never love me. On the trip down I asked him for advice about what to do if I ever had to come out to the rest of the family. They don't know I'm gay yet, because I'm afraid of how my grandfather would take it. I think my aunt already knows, and the rest can take a long walk off a short pier. :P But he told me not to bring it up. Not to say anything at all.

It's not just that. It's also the way that he and my uncles visibly tune out when I try to talk about anything. It's the way that nothing I do can impress them. I even went so far as to go to a college that was completely wrong for me, trying to make my dad proud. He reacted to the news of me going to college the same way he reacted to the news of me dropping out of it.

I feel sort of cheated. I've wasted so many years of my life trying to fit into that lifestyle. I've always considered that shitty house to be my one true home. I'd have nightmares of that place and still call it "home". Nightmares of just being alone in that horrible place. I've finally realized that it is not my home. I spent some of my childhood there, but it was never where I belonged.

I took my true home for granted. For some people, home and family is what you make it. I have that here in this little city with my mom and my weird adopted "family". I have everything I need here. My mother does everything in her power to care for me. My friends actually listen to what I say and take interest in it. I feel welcomed and wanted here.

Somehow, I need to be able to live a fulfilling life. Not when I weigh x lbs, but now, and tomorrow, and further on. I need to figure out how I can truly feel good about myself, and truly love myself. Letting go of the things that hurt me will be a decent start.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Gifts Arrived Ahead of Time!

My elliptical arrived today. Happy Birthday to me, indeed!

It was easy to assemble, and easy for even a weakling like me to move it. It's true what reviews said about the length of the stride being awkward because it's so short, but I think it's still worth it for the price and size. If I stand on it, I'll definitely need to support myself against a wall. The cycle just isn't smooth enough to balance myself on it. But I love the option to sit down, and obviously I love the digital read-out. Now to get into a routine for the little guy!

I've been feeling a bit glum lately, and not feeling at all attractive. Seeing candids of me on Facebook makes me realize that I'm becoming exactly what I never wanted to be. I had a quick photoshoot to remind myself that I can look better. All the more reason to make this diet work. But it's still disheartening right now, trying to look for love. Seems like everyone has their heart set on a size 8. Fatties need not apply. :(

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Birthday Party

Today my family, friends, and neighbors had a shared birthday party for me and Bella, my unofficial niece. She turned 1 today and I'm turning 19 tomorrow. I'm positive I went over my calorie limit, but even when I added it up on MyDailyPlate, I didn't go over 2,000 calories, so I'm feeling decent about it.

Thanksgiving I'm actually not too worried about, either. I don't care for a lot of the food, and I'm growing to not like chocolate anymore, so it makes it easier. Mostly squash, turkey, and gravy will be my meal, and then probably some blueberry pie. Even Christmas I'm not too worried about, unless I'm showered with delicious white chocolate.

I started losing some weight already. Today might set me back, but I'll be back on track soon enough. My ellpitical will be coming in some time this week. My weight is hovering around 260 right now, even going down to 259. Once I drop a few more pounds I'll officially declare myself into the 250's zone. Here's to hoping that number will continue to drop!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Good Day! + Elliptical

Today I managed to keep within my 1,432 calorie goal.  Unfortunately my success was because I worked a shift that went through lunch, so I missed out on that.  Since I don't like missing meals, nor do I plan to make a habit of it, I will have to take a moment to write down a bunch of low-calorie but fulfilling snack ideas and meal ideas so that I can have my meals and eat them, too.  I even treated myself to some ice cream tonight because I was so well under my goal.

Dinners are the hardest things to manage right now.  I live with two other people, so dinner is a choice that everyone has to decide on. Rarely is it ever an individual selection, but tonight it was.  I baked some chicken, and then I was delighted to discover that a 1/2 cup of canned sliced carrots was only 30 calories, so I was able to eat them all to have a filling meal.

I've been searching for a small and affordable elliptical machine.  After a lot of online shopping and reading reviews, I decided on the surprisingly small Stamina InMotion E1000 Elliptical.  At about $90 it's a very low price for a new elliptical machine. Other full size machines were being priced for hundreds to thousands of dollars.  Better yet, this little guy is a lot lighter (though it's still a hefty 24 lbs), smaller, and yet stronger.  Even though it seems petite, the weight limit is said to be 250 lbs, whereas other full machines can be a lot less than that.  You can also use the machine while sitting down, which could be a plus, and it still comes with a digital screen for data like how many calories you've burned in a work out.

This machine should come in within a week for me, so I'm very pleased.  I plan on coupling this with some light weights eventually.  More details to be figured out when it arrives and I get to work with it.

Overall, a very pleasing day!

Extreme Diets

I have to admit, there's been the moments where I wish that I had the self-control to go on a stricter, more drastic diet.  At the same time, I don't want to endorse anything like anorexia or starving yourself.  There has to be a way to lose the weight without going to unnatural measures of forsaking food.  Besides, food is too damn tasty.

Mmm, all the oxygen I can eat.

    If anyone happens to read this blog, I want there to be a story unfolding here of a girl making better eating choices and losing the weight in a healthy way.  But there's still the temptation of having a super low calorie diet that will take off pounds like a dropping stone, or finding a diet pill that works and is supremely strong.

I've always heard the warnings against crash diets, and losing weight too quickly.  The trouble for me is that my weight gain has been so extreme - isn't that just as dangerous?

The main reason why I know I should take the longer path is because it will help me build healthy habits.  If I lost the 100 lbs overnight, there wouldn't be a switch in my head to suddenly flip and make me into a exercising machine who eats like a rabbit.  I'd end up gaining the weight right back, because I haven't unlearned these bad habits.

As daunting as it is to realize that it will take me about a year to make my goal, the rewards will be more than just the immediate pleasure of being a smaller size.  It will take me a year to build up healthy habits, like training myself to get rid of fatty foods I don't need, finding healthier choices and making them my new favorite foods, building an exercise routine, figuring out how to eat 3 meals a day without overloading on calories, figuring out how to keep an even calorie goal when I do reach my target weight, and learning how to treat myself without breaking my diet.

So, as tempting as an extreme diet is, I recognize that cutting corners isn't the way to lose weight for good.  Learning how to cut calories and build healthy habits is.


So I've learned that keeping to a meal plan is a little beyond me right now, without a routine set in stone.  The best I can do is make healthy choices at each meal.

The good news is, I'm starting to think more critically about what I eat, and even stop myself from an impulsive snack when the other half of my brain is trying to give permission to be bad. Haha. I did the trick of letting myself just take a bite to taste the treat and not eat the whole thing.

I've been considering purchasing an elliptical machine.  I know it's my favorite kind of workout. All that's holding me back is space limitation and finding a good one for a good price.

Now that I've been into this diet for a couple days, I guess I should probably keep track of my weight, perhaps weekly, every other week, or monthly.  Sticking to my calorie goal, it will take me about a year to get rid of this weight.

So that is what I'm thinking about right now for this diet.  It's been hard to stick to a 1,400 calorie limitation, but I find that I can manage to stay around 1,600 right now when I go over my limit. Even with that, I think that I should lose some weight, just not as much as I wanted.  My next big thing would be to get more exercise, my current activity level being next to nothing.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Plan for Nov 15th

I've decided to learn from the mistakes of today and plan my meals ahead of time.
I need to learn to limit myself to something simple for a meal, and allow myself to have a snack - but it has to be a healthy snack.  Lunch has me worried, but I know that the tomato soup is very filling for me, and hopefully will allow me to eat lighter afterwards.

a bowl of Cap n' Crunch
 240 calories
apple or orange
60 calories
Grilled cheese & tomato soup 
420 calories

apple or orange
60 calories

That will leave me with 652 calories for my dinner, which is unknown right now.

Not the best

My daily calorie allowance:
My day so far (no dinner yet!):

It's pretty frustrating, especially since I know I've eaten things I shouldn't. Starting this diet and tracking just makes me think of food all the time, and that's my down fall. I need to find a way to distract myself while keeping track, so that I won't just be sizing up the pantry all day.

Today's breakdown
-steak (very small amount, actally)
-terriyaki flavored rice
- an apple
- Berry pie (not a full-sized pie, but still not good)
- Cheez-its

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Grocery List

Tomorrow is grocery day.  A dangerous time, for sure!

Time for some healthy snacks.

- frozen blueberries
- spear pickles
- yogurt
- apples
- oranges
- carrots

Let's Begin

My name is Danielle, and I am obese.  At least, according to BMI charts, where I fall into the dreaded 30+ range.

The trouble is, I don't feel obese.  Half the time, I can even feel good about myself.  Since 2009, I've been steadily gaining this surplus of weight.  Back then, I felt fat but little did I realize I was at a healthy weight.  Now I wish I could be that weight again.  I'm going to do my damndest to make it happen, starting with this blog to keep myself accountable for that goal. 

At 263 lbs, I am 100 lbs above where I used to be, and where I should be.  Chairs are starting to become too small for me.  It's crying shame when I try to shop for clothes.  I see pictures of myself and can't help but cringe.  Most of all, I'm worried about the chest pains that are starting to frequent me, and the troubling symptoms of diabetes.

I begin this journey with no expectation for a miracle pill or other gimmick.  It will mean trying to give up delicious, delicious fattening foods, and also trying to get my fat ass up and moving a bit more often.  This is the honest look at where I need to begin.  I hope that within months I can see change, and within a year perhaps I'll even reach a much better weight. And I hope that if I do manage to succeed, I will not forget to maintain that weight, and not take it for granted again.