Realization

Happy Holidays everyone! It's been a little while since I updated. I'd like to officially announce that I've reached the 250+ range, with a weight coming in consistently under 260. This means - you guessed it - a new tag.

I spent Thanksgiving at my dad's house with the rest of his side of the family. I arrived a couple days early to avoid a snowstorm. I woke up after the first night to a foot of snow!

It wasn't easy being there. There's nothing to eat there whatsoever, or even if there is I don't feel like I can have it because 1. I've been away for so long, I feel like a stranger. 2. The food is often left out to spoil, or forgotten for too long. It's really gross.

I was lucky this time, because I actually had a bed to sleep on, with sheets and everything. Lucky I brought my own pillow and comforter. There was also toilet paper in the (disgusting) bathroom. No hot water, though.

Worse than the state of the house, though, was realizing a few things about my family. Even though I love my dad, I realized that he will never love me. On the trip down I asked him for advice about what to do if I ever had to come out to the rest of the family. They don't know I'm gay yet, because I'm afraid of how my grandfather would take it. I think my aunt already knows, and the rest can take a long walk off a short pier. :P But he told me not to bring it up. Not to say anything at all.

It's not just that. It's also the way that he and my uncles visibly tune out when I try to talk about anything. It's the way that nothing I do can impress them. I even went so far as to go to a college that was completely wrong for me, trying to make my dad proud. He reacted to the news of me going to college the same way he reacted to the news of me dropping out of it.

I feel sort of cheated. I've wasted so many years of my life trying to fit into that lifestyle. I've always considered that shitty house to be my one true home. I'd have nightmares of that place and still call it "home". Nightmares of just being alone in that horrible place. I've finally realized that it is not my home. I spent some of my childhood there, but it was never where I belonged.

I took my true home for granted. For some people, home and family is what you make it. I have that here in this little city with my mom and my weird adopted "family". I have everything I need here. My mother does everything in her power to care for me. My friends actually listen to what I say and take interest in it. I feel welcomed and wanted here.

Somehow, I need to be able to live a fulfilling life. Not when I weigh x lbs, but now, and tomorrow, and further on. I need to figure out how I can truly feel good about myself, and truly love myself. Letting go of the things that hurt me will be a decent start.