june 7th breakfast

Having a sad breakfast of oatmeal. It's not particularly tasty today.

My dinner tonight is a steak and vegetables. Trying to keep it simple. Not sure about the calorie count today, but it should be decent.  I need to get to the store and buy lots and lots of delicious fruits.

Restarting my weight tracking. Apparently after all this time, I've managed to keep myself from going over 270 lbs. I'm pretty proud of that. But it's time to bring it back down.

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Can Do - Rules and Guidelines to Remember

Mental Rules

1. My mantra is "Can do!"
2. Everything is simple.
3. If something isn't simple, make it simple.  If you can't make it simple, it's either a legit huge crisis or you need to just drop-kick it out of your life
4. Don't stress.
5. Don't put yourself down.
6. You are not allowed to date until your hair is long enough to touch your shoulders.
7. Don't even think about dating. If a girl likes you, tell her you're grounded.
8. Be selfish. Indulge in good things for yourself.
9. Stop thinking "I can't do that." Everything is simple.
10. Every rule is important.

More technical guidelines

- Buy fruit and veggies at least every other week.
- Weigh yourself only once a week.
- Keep track of your good days on the calendar - that's what it's there for!
- Junk food is not a reward for good dieting. Buy yourself something pretty.
- Let yourself eat as many freaking fruits as you want. It's seriously OK, we can get more later, and if you aren't overeating on the fruits, you're going to be overeating on something grosser. Eat the damn fruit.
- It's not too much effort to get the fruit or veggies prepared. We've considered jumping through more hoops to make crappy meals. Eat the goddamn fruit.
- Eat the damn fruit.
- Water is good. Flavored water is tasty. Either way, hydrate.
- No chips. Try carrots and ranch.
- Want chocolate? Drink some chocolate milk. You know you don't get enough calcium.
- Vitamins aren't a shelf decoration, sweetness.
- Like a food? Write it down so we can remember to buy it again.
- Don't forget that spices exist in the cupboard. Flavor is helpful.
- If you don't do this now, you're going to get diabetes or some shit. That'll be worse.
- You look good. You look better each time you lose a little more fat.
- We look weird skinny. Don't go that far.

Why I am

I've slacked. A lot.  I think I was in denial. Probably still am.

This is going to sound horrible, but I think my primary motivation for wanting to lose weight is sex. I'm young, I'm a virgin, and I'm getting fidgety. I was hoping that someone would somehow want me anyway.  But I've managed to meet a few girls now, and after the first date or so, they turn tail and run.  Part of me is so, so tired of being ashamed of my body. I'm not model pretty. I don't even have all my teeth, and that's really devastating for me.  But being this overweight is the final nail in the coffin, I think.

I know I should be all PC and positive body image, women come in all shapes and sizes, etc etc. I see larger women and so many of them are seriously freaking gorgeous. The trouble is when I look at myself. All I see is this mass of swollen, flabby skin. I feel bloated and ugly and utterly unsexy.  I don't even want to be model skinny.  Losing 100 pounds for me still puts me in the 'overweight' category. How sad is that?  But I took how I used to look for granted. I wish I could love myself like this, but I feel disgusted. I need to change it. I know how, I just need to stop screwing around and take the real steps to do it.

I must sound like a broken record: 'I'll do it now. I'll do it now. I'm really gonna do it this time!'  The trouble is, I get motivated, and then my depression or laziness kicks in. I just want to sleep and avoid mirrors. I look up articles, but still feel hopeless to even get out of my chair and go do something, and it's really THAT simple.

There are several big troubles for my mindset.

1. I think it's easier to not look at myself, and try to feel comfortable with my laziness.

Why this is wrong: I may not have to look at myself, but my body keeps getting bigger. I can feel it. I can see my big arms and thighs and belly without looking in a mirror. I feel disgusted with myself when I sit in this hot weather and I can feel myself sweating between rolls of fat. It's NOT comfortable.

2. I feel like it's wrong to buy fruits and veggies because they are pricier. Junk food is cheap.

Why this is wrong: I have a damn job now, and I have the money to afford it even if this is true.  Real fruits are delicious and amazing and I need to stop thinking that they are rare treats like ice cream that I'm not allowed to have. I AM ALLOWED TO EAT ALL THE FRUITS AND VEGGIES I WANT, BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I really, really need to drill this into my head.

3. If I change my diet, I'll have to eat gross food or next to nothing in portions.

Why this is wrong: I might try to change my diet completely, but it's not gross foods, it's just different foods I don't normally get the opportunity to eat. For whatever reason, it's ingrained in me to buy junky food when I could be getting food that's super satisfying and tasty, but healthier.  If I find low-cal foods, I can eat just as much as I do now ( or hopefully less, because I really overeat) and feel full.  I tend to forget the variety of food that I really enjoy. I keep forgetting that salad is pretty tasty, and a crunchy carrot is really satisfying.

4. Even if I do change my diet, I won't see any results.

Why this is wrong: I will! I really will see results!  I was seeing results earlier in this journal, and all I did was keep an eye on how much I was eating.  I already overeat. If I manage to control myself just a bit, I can cut a lot of calories. If I find awesome low-cal food, I'll be cutting even more calories. I won't even have to make an effort to exercise just yet, because fixing my calorie intake alone will get me quite far in itself.  I might even FEEL better because with real foods I might finally get missing vitamins.

I need to reprogram my brain, clearly. I still feel a ton of guilt about wanting to go to the store and buy veggies. I've been repeatedly taught that they're too expensive to get. But fuck, I'm an adult and I have my own spending money to buy what I want. Maybe if I bring home bags of fruits and veggies, I'll finally feel like I bought something worthwhile. Then I just need to teach myself that it's okay to pig out on the FRUIT.

P.S. I might be allergic/intolerant to fruit. We'll find out when I start buying them en masse.

Back for good, I hope

On the plus side - (no pun intended)  - at least I'm only 2 pounds above my starting weight after all this time. So I'm not blowing up badly.  I've also been eating whatever I damn well wanted. Heh.  So maybe with just a bit of cutting down (and there's a lot of room to cut down!) I could lose a lot of weight. And then with exercise, I could lose a lot more.

I'm really tired of feeling like a big, bloated body. I really am. It's just extra fun to have depression on top and really not want to go outside and do anything even if I should. I'm also afraid that perhaps my depression is getting a little worse at the moment. My paranoia and irritability has been going up.

Anyway, I just finished breakfast and I'm going in to work for an early shift. x_x

Cereal - 200 cals
Bowl of fruit - 80 cals
Energy shot - 0 cals

Total: 300 cals

Yes, yes, I'm still rounding up.

It's been a couple days...

... and instead of dieting, I've been binging.  I have all of this overly delicious food in the house right now.  My reasoning seems to be that if I can eat it all quickly, I'll finally run out of these distractions and will be able to start my diet up.  Instead, I'm just feeling bloated, and I'm back to square one. Blegh.

I'm currently listing foods that I should be eating. It's weird because I have fruit and stuff but I feel like I'm not allowed to eat it.

Working on meticulously planning a diet and exercise.

planning!

So I've made a few lists of what to do. I plan to cut my calories again, and this time I'll make a little book of meals I can eat that are low-calorie.

I'm also making a list of junky foods that are my weakness, hereafter referred to as forbidden.

-1,500 calorie allowance per day.  Excess calories must be worked off.
-Only drinks allowed after 5pm
-No soda, coffee to a min

Set up a daily scoreboard for calorie goals. (Probably a calendar)

Not tracking at all = black mark (-300 points)
Over 1,700 cals = red star (-200 points)
Under 1,500 cals = blue star (50 points)
Under 1,400 cals = green star (100 points)
Under 1,300 cals = silver star (200 points)
Under 1,200 cals = gold star (300 points)

Extra blue star per ten mins of exercise

Every 1,000 5,000 and 10,000 points, a reward will be given. :)


Daily exercise will start with taking the dog for a walk twice a day - after breakfast and after dinner, if possible, or a session on the elliptical.  Also found a gym nearby, need to make plans for that as well on my days off work. Having an irregular work schedule makes it hard to plan these things more fully.

Back on the bull

Well, I've at least been able to stay in the same area. I just realized how dangerously close I am to being too far gone. Maybe already too late for me there.  I need to make this work, no matter what it takes.

I may need to go to the extent of laboriously planning out my meals ahead of time so I can control what I eat.

I was ignoring it at first, and now I'm even surrounding myself with junk food... Stop, stop, stop. :(

Daily Plan for January 20th

GOOD MORNING, DAE. TODAY YOU ARE A SOLDIER OF YOUR OWN FORTUNE.
REMEMBER TO:  keep tracking, stay on course, and give yourself permission to eat or not eat.

GOALS FOR TODAY:
Stay at 1,500 calories or UNDER
Work on website.
Write.
Bedtime routine.
Go to sleep before midnight.

MORNING FOOD
Coffee --------------160 cals
Oatmeal ------------260 cals
Blueberries -----------60 cals

Subtotal ------------480 cals

NOON
Tuna Helper -------- 400 cals
Sobe ----------------300 cals
Subtotal ------------ 700 cals

EVENING
Subtotal ------------

Total ---------------


TODAY'S END STATS
Weight: 256.4  ------ Difference from yesterday: +1.4
Total cals: TBA ---- Difference from goal: TBA

Daily Plan for Jan 19th

Another day was messed by my bizarre sleep schedule. Anyhow.

GOOD MORNING, DAE. TODAY YOU ARE A SOLDIER OF YOUR OWN FORTUNE.
REMEMBER TO:  keep tracking, stay on course, and give yourself permission to eat or not eat.

GOALS FOR TODAY:
Stay at 1,500 calories or UNDER
Say "Yes" is called in to work
Have a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Do bedtime routine
Go to sleep before midnight


MORNING FOOD
Coffee --------------160 cals
Sparkling water --------0 cals
Cereal --------------150 cals

Subtotal ------------310 cals

NOON
Tuna Helper -------- 400 cals
Subtotal ------------ 400 cals

EVENING
Chicken ------------300 cals
Biscuits -------------540 cals
Subtotal ------------840 cals

Total ---------------1550 cals



TODAY'S END STATS
Weight: 255.0  ------ Difference from yesterday: +2.8
Total cals: 1550 ---- Difference from goal: 50 over