Realization

Happy Holidays everyone! It's been a little while since I updated. I'd like to officially announce that I've reached the 250+ range, with a weight coming in consistently under 260. This means - you guessed it - a new tag.

I spent Thanksgiving at my dad's house with the rest of his side of the family. I arrived a couple days early to avoid a snowstorm. I woke up after the first night to a foot of snow!

It wasn't easy being there. There's nothing to eat there whatsoever, or even if there is I don't feel like I can have it because 1. I've been away for so long, I feel like a stranger. 2. The food is often left out to spoil, or forgotten for too long. It's really gross.

I was lucky this time, because I actually had a bed to sleep on, with sheets and everything. Lucky I brought my own pillow and comforter. There was also toilet paper in the (disgusting) bathroom. No hot water, though.

Worse than the state of the house, though, was realizing a few things about my family. Even though I love my dad, I realized that he will never love me. On the trip down I asked him for advice about what to do if I ever had to come out to the rest of the family. They don't know I'm gay yet, because I'm afraid of how my grandfather would take it. I think my aunt already knows, and the rest can take a long walk off a short pier. :P But he told me not to bring it up. Not to say anything at all.

It's not just that. It's also the way that he and my uncles visibly tune out when I try to talk about anything. It's the way that nothing I do can impress them. I even went so far as to go to a college that was completely wrong for me, trying to make my dad proud. He reacted to the news of me going to college the same way he reacted to the news of me dropping out of it.

I feel sort of cheated. I've wasted so many years of my life trying to fit into that lifestyle. I've always considered that shitty house to be my one true home. I'd have nightmares of that place and still call it "home". Nightmares of just being alone in that horrible place. I've finally realized that it is not my home. I spent some of my childhood there, but it was never where I belonged.

I took my true home for granted. For some people, home and family is what you make it. I have that here in this little city with my mom and my weird adopted "family". I have everything I need here. My mother does everything in her power to care for me. My friends actually listen to what I say and take interest in it. I feel welcomed and wanted here.

Somehow, I need to be able to live a fulfilling life. Not when I weigh x lbs, but now, and tomorrow, and further on. I need to figure out how I can truly feel good about myself, and truly love myself. Letting go of the things that hurt me will be a decent start.

Gifts Arrived Ahead of Time!

My elliptical arrived today. Happy Birthday to me, indeed!

It was easy to assemble, and easy for even a weakling like me to move it. It's true what reviews said about the length of the stride being awkward because it's so short, but I think it's still worth it for the price and size. If I stand on it, I'll definitely need to support myself against a wall. The cycle just isn't smooth enough to balance myself on it. But I love the option to sit down, and obviously I love the digital read-out. Now to get into a routine for the little guy!

I've been feeling a bit glum lately, and not feeling at all attractive. Seeing candids of me on Facebook makes me realize that I'm becoming exactly what I never wanted to be. I had a quick photoshoot to remind myself that I can look better. All the more reason to make this diet work. But it's still disheartening right now, trying to look for love. Seems like everyone has their heart set on a size 8. Fatties need not apply. :(

Birthday Party

Today my family, friends, and neighbors had a shared birthday party for me and Bella, my unofficial niece. She turned 1 today and I'm turning 19 tomorrow. I'm positive I went over my calorie limit, but even when I added it up on MyDailyPlate, I didn't go over 2,000 calories, so I'm feeling decent about it.

Thanksgiving I'm actually not too worried about, either. I don't care for a lot of the food, and I'm growing to not like chocolate anymore, so it makes it easier. Mostly squash, turkey, and gravy will be my meal, and then probably some blueberry pie. Even Christmas I'm not too worried about, unless I'm showered with delicious white chocolate.

I started losing some weight already. Today might set me back, but I'll be back on track soon enough. My ellpitical will be coming in some time this week. My weight is hovering around 260 right now, even going down to 259. Once I drop a few more pounds I'll officially declare myself into the 250's zone. Here's to hoping that number will continue to drop!