Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Been binging. :(  I need to ban myself from getting junky food. It'd help if others didn't pitch in to help me get it. D:

Allergies are sooooooo bad. My nose itches nonstop. Figured out how to work the neti pot better but it only helped for a minute this time. I'll try it again in the morning now that I'm better at it.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Saturday, June 9, 2012

No more itchy nose!

Mmmm I have no idea how much calories I took in today.  I had a cereal bar for breakfast again, and a drink. I got subway for lunch, and a tea and some beef jerky for a snack at work, then I ate BBQ chicken and a pasta salad for dinner, and roasted probably 3 marshmallows for a fun desert with my neighbors. So I probably had way too many calories, but today I kind of don't care...

Warning: Now I talk about noses and nose-fluids.

This isn't what mine looks like, but isn't that lovely? Hard to imagine it's for your nose.

I bought a neti pot at the store today. lol. I'd never heard of such a thing until yesterday when I mentioned washing my nose because it was so itchy, and someone asked if I meant I'd used a neti pot.  It's like a watering can/tea kettle sort of thing, but the spout goes in one nostril to pour in water, you tilt your head sideways and the water will run through your sinuses and out the other nostril.  Yeah, I know, ew, because boogers and also because isn't that just weird? And yeah, it's weird, but let me tell you it's freaking awesome.

If you're considering getting one, but are a little unsure, I recommend that you try it. I get terrible ear infections, so all those passages in my head are weird, and trust me I'm super skittish about water going up my nose or in my ears or what have you, to the point where I'm nearly phobic of swimming now. But in all seriousness, it's really just straightforward and simple and it made my damn nose stop itching and actually cleared up both nostrils to boot!!!

This one is mine. Brand: SinuSense. Available at Walmart next to the nasal spray.

It's weird mostly because you can feel the water go in your nose, and it's a little cool (temperature-wise) and for me it keeps somehow coming out into the back of my mouth, so I can feel the cool water on the roof of my mouth and that's also weird. If I manage to tilt my head the right way, the water finishes the trip around and comes out the other side, which is pretty COOL as in neat. I don't know if it's because my neti pot has a slow drip, or if my sinuses are bad, but if you google it you'll see people with a solid stream of water coming out, and I haven't gotten that yet. But even so, it's a freaking relief from the itch-itch-itching, even if I have to do it again a few hours later. It really helps if my meds don't work so great. And it's supposed to help clear things up when you get a cold, etc, so that'll be awesome, don'tcha think?!

One other thing I was worried about was would I feel like I was drowning, or would I inhale the water?  It is a little weird, but I totally was not close to accidentally inhaling the water (at least not yet, but I was pretty bad at my technique). The weird part for me was feeling the water go over the top of my mouth and down the back, but it's no different than when you get that yucky runny nose and you sniffle and the mucus goes into your mouth. Ew, yeah, but you can spit it out, or even swallow it, but you won't drown.

So my fears are put to rest. I just need to make sure that I figure out how to get a better flow going, experiment with how I hold my head and stuff. I'm probably using it wrong or something, cause I google image search for those neti pot images, and see people with freaking rivers pouring out their noses and I'm kind of jealous in the weirdest way. LOL.

Posessive eating

Just finished a late-night tracking of my food intake for Friday. I think I'm in the clear for it. My weight is a bit up right now though. Gonna wait a little longer before I record it.

One problem is that I get sort of territorial about food, like a dog with its bone. I need to somehow learn to let go of that. Sometimes I don't want the food really, I just want to HAVE it.

So when I start thinking I want food, I might try taking it out... Cans from the cupboard, fruit, boxes of things, bread, etc, and just laying it all out. And then put it away. Might sound crazy, but I've done it before. I've taken bread, got 4 pieces ready to make a couple sandwiches, got the peanut butter... and then just put everything away. So maybe I could try laying these things out and telling myself, 'see all the things you have? You have so much, you don't need to worry.'

It helps to get out of the house. Tomorrow I work, so I'll be away from the food, and I'll probably sweat out two pounds. The trouble there is it's my standard 12 to 5 shift and I get so hungry after that. I might pig out on dinner.

Good day, I think, June 8th

It was surprisingly hard to find a really pretty picture of people walking. But this picture is REALLY pretty, so it's worth it.

ooOIndreOoo @ deviantart
I chased a little 3 year old all around the parking lot today to keep an eye on her. She's adorable, but a handful. I watched my neighbors get into a fight. One of them is an alcoholic who gets drunk and gets behind the wheel. He deserved whatever he got, which wasn't much - the drunk swung first and the other guy mostly held him down. The police never showed up, 'cause that's where I live. Nobody got hurt, anyway.

My friend came over to visit. We brought up the idea of moving in to an apartment together and splitting the rent. I'm still nervous... about LIFE. I'm so afraid about everything. And the rain came, with lots of thunder. It didn't stay long, though.

I had a couple cereal bars for breakfast, and lots of flavored water. I woke up late, so that was more around noon time. For dinner I had a small pepperoni pizza. Really nervous about how many calories that was. Then I slept for like 6 hours because I was tired, and now it's midnight and I'm awake again. Haha. I like being able to keep odd hours. I nibbled on some pinches of sunflower seeds, and I've got a nectarine beside me that is so ripe it starts smooshing when I try to hold it in my hand. I was tempted to crack open a soda, but I made another flavored water instead. I will endeavor to only have more fruit if I feel hungry, and perhaps drink some tea in a bit. Or the coffee I forgot all about until just this second.

P.S. My nose itches so bad from allergies! My eyes, too. It's really, really annoying.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Big oops.

I forgot how much snacking can add up. It's especially bad because I did that grocery shopping. I'm ashamed to list everything I ate. I was using the Lose It! app to count my calories and I'm already almost 1,000 calories over and I haven't finished entering everything yet. Gah! To think I'd prided myself because I ate apples and seeds instead of chocolate. Some difference it made!

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to eat a cereal bar for breakfast, with a glass of chocolate milk. For lunch I'll only touch my fruit. Dinner is a family thing, so it's harder to predict or control. I'm going to track everything and put a mark on my calendar either good or bad. And I'll track my weight twice a week - I love seeing the number go down.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

picspam #003

Did I mention I'm allergic to kiwis? They look delicious, but they'll have to remain a happy memory for me. The last ones I ate tasted like horrible agony. Pretty, though. I can have kiwi-flavored stuff, but not the fresh fruit.

Ben-Kelevra @ deviantart


I went to the store and bought $30 worth of food!

Sunflower seeds, cereal bars, McIntosh apples, 2 nectarines, 2 peaches, 2 lbs of cherries, green tea, beef jerky, saltines, hummus

I love adding pics to my posts now.

Fairest of them all
Little Thoughts @ flickr

picspam #002

Apple Juice Splash
donchris @ flickr

Fabulous Blue Kiwi Drink and Flower
Pink Sherbet Photography @ flickr

june 7th breakfast

Having a sad breakfast of oatmeal. It's not particularly tasty today.

My dinner tonight is a steak and vegetables. Trying to keep it simple. Not sure about the calorie count today, but it should be decent.  I need to get to the store and buy lots and lots of delicious fruits.

Restarting my weight tracking. Apparently after all this time, I've managed to keep myself from going over 270 lbs. I'm pretty proud of that. But it's time to bring it back down.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

pic spam #001

yellowflys @ deviantart

Pink Lemonade
kellylovescupcakes @ flickr

mesha3el @ deviantart

Can Do - Rules and Guidelines to Remember

Mental Rules

1. My mantra is "Can do!"
2. Everything is simple.
3. If something isn't simple, make it simple.  If you can't make it simple, it's either a legit huge crisis or you need to just drop-kick it out of your life
4. Don't stress.
5. Don't put yourself down.
6. You are not allowed to date until your hair is long enough to touch your shoulders.
7. Don't even think about dating. If a girl likes you, tell her you're grounded.
8. Be selfish. Indulge in good things for yourself.
9. Stop thinking "I can't do that." Everything is simple.
10. Every rule is important.

More technical guidelines

- Buy fruit and veggies at least every other week.
- Weigh yourself only once a week.
- Keep track of your good days on the calendar - that's what it's there for!
- Junk food is not a reward for good dieting. Buy yourself something pretty.
- Let yourself eat as many freaking fruits as you want. It's seriously OK, we can get more later, and if you aren't overeating on the fruits, you're going to be overeating on something grosser. Eat the damn fruit.
- It's not too much effort to get the fruit or veggies prepared. We've considered jumping through more hoops to make crappy meals. Eat the goddamn fruit.
- Eat the damn fruit.
- Water is good. Flavored water is tasty. Either way, hydrate.
- No chips. Try carrots and ranch.
- Want chocolate? Drink some chocolate milk. You know you don't get enough calcium.
- Vitamins aren't a shelf decoration, sweetness.
- Like a food? Write it down so we can remember to buy it again.
- Don't forget that spices exist in the cupboard. Flavor is helpful.
- If you don't do this now, you're going to get diabetes or some shit. That'll be worse.
- You look good. You look better each time you lose a little more fat.
- We look weird skinny. Don't go that far.

Why I am

I've slacked. A lot.  I think I was in denial. Probably still am.

This is going to sound horrible, but I think my primary motivation for wanting to lose weight is sex. I'm young, I'm a virgin, and I'm getting fidgety. I was hoping that someone would somehow want me anyway.  But I've managed to meet a few girls now, and after the first date or so, they turn tail and run.  Part of me is so, so tired of being ashamed of my body. I'm not model pretty. I don't even have all my teeth, and that's really devastating for me.  But being this overweight is the final nail in the coffin, I think.

I know I should be all PC and positive body image, women come in all shapes and sizes, etc etc. I see larger women and so many of them are seriously freaking gorgeous. The trouble is when I look at myself. All I see is this mass of swollen, flabby skin. I feel bloated and ugly and utterly unsexy.  I don't even want to be model skinny.  Losing 100 pounds for me still puts me in the 'overweight' category. How sad is that?  But I took how I used to look for granted. I wish I could love myself like this, but I feel disgusted. I need to change it. I know how, I just need to stop screwing around and take the real steps to do it.

I must sound like a broken record: 'I'll do it now. I'll do it now. I'm really gonna do it this time!'  The trouble is, I get motivated, and then my depression or laziness kicks in. I just want to sleep and avoid mirrors. I look up articles, but still feel hopeless to even get out of my chair and go do something, and it's really THAT simple.

There are several big troubles for my mindset.

1. I think it's easier to not look at myself, and try to feel comfortable with my laziness.
Why this is wrong: I may not have to look at myself, but my body keeps getting bigger. I can feel it. I can see my big arms and thighs and belly without looking in a mirror. I feel disgusted with myself when I sit in this hot weather and I can feel myself sweating between rolls of fat. It's NOT comfortable.

2. I feel like it's wrong to buy fruits and veggies because they are pricier. Junk food is cheap.
Why this is wrong: I have a damn job now, and I have the money to afford it even if this is true.  Real fruits are delicious and amazing and I need to stop thinking that they are rare treats like ice cream that I'm not allowed to have. I AM ALLOWED TO EAT ALL THE FRUITS AND VEGGIES I WANT, BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I really, really need to drill this into my head.

3. If I change my diet, I'll have to eat gross food or next to nothing in portions.
Why this is wrong: I might try to change my diet completely, but it's not gross foods, it's just different foods I don't normally get the opportunity to eat. For whatever reason, it's ingrained in me to buy junky food when I could be getting food that's super satisfying and tasty, but healthier.  If I find low-cal foods, I can eat just as much as I do now ( or hopefully less, because I really overeat) and feel full.  I tend to forget the variety of food that I really enjoy. I keep forgetting that salad is pretty tasty, and a crunchy carrot is really satisfying.

4. Even if I do change my diet, I won't see any results.
Why this is wrong: I will! I really will see results!  I was seeing results earlier in this journal, and all I did was keep an eye on how much I was eating.  I already overeat. If I manage to control myself just a bit, I can cut a lot of calories. If I find awesome low-cal food, I'll be cutting even more calories. I won't even have to make an effort to exercise just yet, because fixing my calorie intake alone will get me quite far in itself.  I might even FEEL better because with real foods I might finally get missing vitamins.

I need to reprogram my brain, clearly. I still feel a ton of guilt about wanting to go to the store and buy veggies. I've been repeatedly taught that they're too expensive to get. But fuck, I'm an adult and I have my own spending money to buy what I want. Maybe if I bring home bags of fruits and veggies, I'll finally feel like I bought something worthwhile. Then I just need to teach myself that it's okay to pig out on the FRUIT.

P.S. I might be allergic/intolerant to fruit. We'll find out when I start buying them en masse.